it’s not really about whether or not there was enough love

memories that I can’t recall

I know that there are good things that happened in my life but for some reason they are blocked out. I think it’s to cover up how dysfunctional my life has been up until this point, mostly because of my decisions. I’ve been wandering around lost for a long time, I still feel that sometimes, but also maybe it’s coming together, and the price is memories from other lives I had before. And there are memories that I’m glad I’ve forgotten.

#adopteevoices #koreanadoptee

 

heartbreak

I wouldn’t be who I am without it. As much as I cannot stand toxic positivity (gaslighting oneself into not being sad), I’m glad I struggled. I miss Korea. I miss my real family. I guess this is the first time writing about it here, but I was reunited with my Korean family in 2012 and lived in Korea until 2017. I worked there, I went to school there, I tried to become Korean. Those were probably some of the best years of my life and I didn’t really know it back then because I was emotional and young and stupid and poor. I’m thankful for that time. Sometimes, I wish I had stayed.

#adopteevoices #koreanadoptee

 

toasters

there was a whole thing here, but because I’m just starting up this blog, I messed up formatting and it all got deleted

my main point was actually just thinking the Panasonic FlashXpress toaster oven is the cutest probably, that’s what I remember the most, and I also wondered if anyone had ever hated the toaster as a new invention

 

 

some Korean version of my American self, or some United States version of my Korean self

I’m actually not sure if there is a Korean version and a US version, but it seems like it most of the time; that I’m divided. There’s a part of me that understands Seoul and outdated Korean traditions and norms, and part of me that rejects those things and just wants to be free.

I miss Korea all the time, but I don’t think I was doing very well there the last time I was there.

#nationaladoptionawarenessmonth #naam #adopteevoices

 

love is not enough

 

I think I create struggle within me as a way to repay the people that I've hurt in the past and I think I've heard a lot of people in the past because that’s what happens when you hurt a lot of your life, you spread it around, like a disease.

#nationaladoptionawarenessmonth #nationaladopteeawarenessmonth #adopteevoices

 

I think that there are different versions of my heart, and different hearts for different time periods of my life. That’s probably not unique or anything. I think it’s how I can understand that there was growth, that I grew over time. I have felt stuck for a long time, but I’ve been more unstable than I’ve been stagnant.

 

I’m angry for adoptees who think it’s not okay to be angry. Even if you think you’ll won’t become an angry adoptee, you will, if you do even the slightest amount of research/introspection, just embrace it; I’ve heard it as “I don’t see eye to eye with my parents”, “I have a dinner with my parents this afternoon but I just don’t really want to go”, “they just have their own perspectives”, “it’s a personality clash between me and my mom” etc, it’s actually because when some adoptees are in the presence of their adoptive parents, they get minimized to being just “an orphan I saved from Asia so how could they ever be sad about anything on the planet/a prayer that got answered so they will be full of grace 100% of the time/the child I raised so I know more about them than they do and they don’t know what they are talking about, ETCETERA”

Coming out of the fog is realizing you’re Asian in white spaces, but I think people forget it’s also about feeling really unpleasant things about adoption; just being woke, or decorated in advanced degrees, about cultural studies and diversity & inclusion is not enough, it’s not synonymous with being angry with your adoptive parents, you need to separate from that. I’m not angry at my adoptive mother, she tried and she failed to turn me into what adoption agencies marketed that I would become, a loving daughter; but she did keep me and she cultured me. It’s not her fault adoption agencies and society FUCKING LIED to her. And it’s not her fault that I just wanted to become myself.

“Coming out of the fog” (UGH THIS STUPID TERM, still not okay that we took this from a different trauma) is also realizing like… yeah, it was fucked up, not only what white people do/did, but also what my own people did to me, NOT my Korean family; Korea, as a people. And in my case, it includes being so proud to be Korean, that I praise them for being that ruthless.

On a sadder note, every time I talk too much about adoption, I see my two favorite sisters in my dreams and we are living a life together; I almost cry every time but can’t anymore

#adopteevoices #adoptees #adoption #adoptionistrauma #adoptionjourney #adoptionislove #adoptiveparents #adoptiveparent #koreanadoptee #koreanadoptees